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Apr. 6th, 2015

My dreams of David Chase

Every now and then I have these dreams about David Chase, a guy I used to date and madly loved. We dated for less than a year but he was the first guy after Edward that I fell in love with. I guess I can say he mended my broken heart. David used to always tell me I was his soul-mate and I felt the same way too. One day he asked me to marry him and I said yes, however, we didn't spend much time being engaged because I suddenly left to move to California and I broke up with him abruptly. Several years passed while I was in California yet we kept in touch through email and occasionally spoke on the phone. When I told him I had plans to move back to Florida he took it to mean that we were getting back together to become gf/bf again (an idea I was not entirely sure about since we had spent so much time apart and I wasn't sure it would be the same as before). When I got to Florida we went out again. Although the times we went out were good and fun to me, I just did not feel the same way as I thought I would. I realized that it was because I felt more strongly about another guy I had met while I was in California and this led to me and David moving on again. He reminded me about the first time I broke his heart and how this is the second time I was breaking his heart. I didn't feel bad only because the other guy took up my heart and mind. To this day I cannot understand the pain I put him through, only the pain others have put me through, but I imagine it the same and for this I feel sorrowful about. Regardless, we still kept in touch and every now and then David would tell me about girls he was dating but only after he had a break-up. Then one day he told me he found one that he was going to marry and that he could no longer talk to me since he thought talking to me would ruin their plans. I wasn't entirely sure he would marry this girl for sure since his previous relationships broke off over time, but I guess this time it was different because when I would try to contact him he no longer replied. Finally I looked him up and saw that he did indeed marry this girl and a feeling of sadness and loss came over me. In my head I thought that this could have been me if I had decided to stay in Florida. I wondered about how our life together would have been if I had not suddenly left and broken his heart. It's not even that I wanted to leave him, it was because my xbf convinced me to leave him and take him back (a decision I came to regret and which would later back fire on me - an event that caused me to suffer for 3+ years). I suppose my second chance with him was when I moved back to Florida and we were both single and enthused about continuing where we had left off. But again, it was my fault for not making it anything more although it was all I had thought about when I was in California. In California I thought about how much I regretted leaving him. I missed him and I loved him. Well as I said before, he is married now and hasn't spoken to me since. I will still look him up online every now and then and smile. Getting back to the dreams I keep having about him, they are always pretty much the same theme. In fact, I am writing this now because I had another vivid dream about him last night. The dream went like this: we were both in a park of some sort and I spotted him so I went up to him. He turned around and smiled at me and was happy to see me and gave me a long hug. He said my name. Some conversation went on about what he was doing there in the park that day and we determined that we had time to spend together. I cancelled something with my family so I could be with him. We were so happy to see eachother. He picked me up and spun me around in circles several times. It was the happiest feeling I think I have ever felt. It felt like true love - and it was stronger than any feeling of supposed true love I have felt in real life. In this dream it felt like we were going to be together again - happily ever after. We were walking somewhere until he stopped to talk to someone else that he knew. It was at that moment that the dream faded and ended. I woke up and remembered all of this and have been thinking about him ever since. This is not the first time I have had a dream like this about him as they occur about 3x a year and they are always about him (never any other guy). I wonder how come this is? But I presume it's because the relationship was cut short. I suppose my regret is that I was not strong enough when I was younger to listen to my heart at the time and I instead listened to my xbf's demands. I suppose I still struggle with being able to listen to my heart and feelings since I have spent so much time not wanting to base decisions on heart-felt feelings since they have always seemed so illogical to me. It always seems like I have a genuine distrust of what is in my heart or of any feelings I may have since feelings have always seemed like nothing more than fleeting emotions to me. Sigh, I guess I just don't know anymore than I used to know but I am aware of how one decision affects every other thing that follows. There was just one more time that I randomly saw him after his decision to marry. It was when I went back to Florida for my graduation. He happened to be the photographer for the graduation ceremony that day. We spotted eachother in the crowd right before my name was called and would glance at eachother. Then my name was called and at this point he knew it was me for sure. As I walked off the stage there was one spot for photos and suddenly there he was before me. Yepp, it was David the face I loved so much and the face I hadn't seen in so long. We paused to look at eachother and smile before he took the picture. Then I walked off the stage and unfortunately I would never see him again. Now here I am again back in California. It's been about 3 years since then. What's worse is that I know deep down this was not meant to be. He could never get over that I was not Christian, his parents never liked me, and he would never leave Florida since he is a native and loves Florida too much and also because I am a native Californian who always hated living in Florida. The conclusion is that it wouldn't have worked out anyways. I just can't understand why my dreams always try to convince me that he is the one I still want when clearly in reality things are just not the same and never will be. In reality there are no feelings. In reality he doesn't care about me or love me the way he used to (nor do I). In reality I would not be attracted to who he is now. In reality I would never move back to Florida and he would never move here for me either. In reality he may be happily married until the day he dies. In reality, I only care as much as I keep having these dreams that remind me about him because any other time, he is out of my mind. In reality the feelings in my dreams are bullshit.

Feb. 22nd, 2015

Hello again it's been a long time

The loneliness is worse when you feel lonely and you are living in the most populated city you have ever lived in. Things have been stagnant for so long now, maybe 3 years since I have been back living in California. I'm sure it's all my fault. I had locked myself away in the East Coast for so long I forgot everything... but I was busy so it didn't matter, except now maybe it does because I notice everything that is gone from me. My heart aches mostly as I go insane. Not that I want to exactly emerge from the underground... it's just a matter of fact that this will happen if you do not. Suppose I am trying to save myself somehow. But I don't know how. Things are too different. I got too far away from myself and now I am lost in space and time and going deeper, further still. It hurts as I watch from what feels to be a parallel universe unable to participate in or feel exactly like what the others must feel.
It's not enough to just be ok and it's too hard to authentically be anything more.

Sep. 12th, 2014

The Crown, The Purse, The World Shattered

It only took a year but I finally realized why I was the way I was before. I remember why I shut out the real world and decided I didn't need it. I thought I reached a point where I was strong enough to keep everything about myself contained within myself even while being out of my own chains. I didn't think anything would change. Not this precious world of mine I made. But as soon as I had the chance to get out of my own world I got out. What was I thinking when I removed my own chains? What did I think I would find being free?

I find myself trying to desperately return to my old world. Yet I see the old world is crumbling before me. Things are falling apart, the clothes are all different, the animals are gone, car is different. I look in the mirror and wonder if that's me.

I killed my heart thinking it was right. It was part of my idea to build my empire. So I looked away and didn't think I would ever look back in believing it was what I needed. I must say that I thought it was best. It won't change me, I just want to get out and be the blackest black, wearing the crown, and holding the purse.

What a brilliant idea I had to try for something that would only poison me.

I can't deceive myself anymore. These are not my ideas. It hasn't been making me nice. What I hear, what you tell me, what they are telling me - it's not what I need. It's not where I want to go.

I would rather be a lonely soul. They're not going to take my life.

I will find my place again. I will find my peace again.

Aug. 27th, 2014

My "911 Camera" App Idea

I thought of a new app idea. It would be called 911 Camera. Instead of calling 911 you open and record on the 911 camera app on your phone which auto dials as it's recording and the live video gets Transmitted to authorities as your recording which can later be used as evidence. Meanwhile the operator is talking to you and can see everything that's happening including the physical description of any assailants or a crime in progress. The police would need to be able to accept live video calls.

So Instead of choosing to call 911 or to record it's like a 2 in 1 and It's great because the video gets Transmitted to the police and will be used as evidence so there will never be a lack of evidence of a crime. Could also track your location while recording so u don't need to actually state your location in case it's a crime happening happening and u can't be heard for risk of endangering your life.

May. 3rd, 2014

Death having a conversation with Love

death: Love, I always falter to find anything of meaning. I never even find it strange that I can't seem to feel or read anything of people. No emotions, no thoughts on the matter, just feels like air; empty. Now all is quiet and peaceful. It is as if nothing can bother me. Not love. Not hate. Nothing can affect me at all. Not even the fact that nothing can affect me is capable of bothering me. I became everything I can. I was all I ever could be. Then in one instant everything was mine, when all was lost, I became everything. Now I have no more dreams, no false hope, no sense of security. I have no sorrow, but I have no joy so no matter. There are no aching memories, no longing, no lust, no tears, no jealousy, no self-hatred. Nothing is missed. Nothing to want. In fact, I have nothing because there is nothing and I am nothing no more. Whomever I was, I am not, and can never be again. There is no falling, no failing, no hopelessness, there is no great distance to overcome, there are no cold winters and no hot agonizing summers, no bodily ailments, and no poisonings of the mind. There is nothing beside me that can anger me, bother me, or disrupt me. All of the years of life are now gone. These are the years of death to come. Far and away from any human soul or for time to grow. There is never a way home from here. My "life" is thus... that I have transcended devotion. I have transcended reality, the day and the night, time itself, and it is here that I wait for the next reality. But who dare go there who has been there before? Life, yes, it was full of passion. Streams and streams of flowing water, flowing love, blue skies, sunlight, air, first times, experiencing the rush of being near me (of being near death) but not quite reaching it, then smiling because you knew that what you did made you come close. But then there are also the pains, the sufferings, and the heartaches. Of witnessing those you love suffer, and eventually die. Of losing your true love, of losing your mind, of losing yourself. Those times when you wish you were dead because you realized that in death you would find peace. I am the ultimate reality. Death comes to all, but to all not love. I let it all go. Am Alone, absent the world.

love: Death, I feel you in shadows, and in times of sorrow, but I cannot let it carry me through life, for I am Love. Lost always, but dreaming and searching with eyes wide open, heart wide open, and arms wide open. The memories that you've thrown away, are the memories that I pick up to hold onto, and anything that is left behind I keep with me in my heart for as long as I am able to. For when times are tough, I am the strength to go on believing, that the time will come again when all is love, happiness, and joy. I am able to fill the void that people speak of when life is perceived to be unbearable. I am alive in hopes, wishes, dreams, and I am real and true when people allow me to be. I am an unbelievable feeling of happiness, of security, and of wholeness. I am the pure connection, that once found, no one wants to break, because I am unique to this existence in the present. I am attainable through the vessel of life, here amongst the living, but you are only attainable when all of existence is gone. Death comes to all, but to all not love, but this is what makes life worth living. I am worth searching for and trying for and holding onto. I make life what it means to be alive. I take away the pains that you speak of, I free their minds and mend their wounds. I heal their souls. I put a smile upon their faces. I am alive in songs, words, melodies, sight, poems, hugs, kisses, feelings and thoughts. I am felt in their hearts and minds, and I represent persistence, trust, fearlessness, and kindness. I make them feel invincible, unbreakable, and immortal. One can define oneself as love and decide that there is no such thing as wrong, only righteousness, only paradise, only heavens so bright. In this reality, there are only clear Blue skies, endless stars to reach to and wish upon, and many days ahead that are filled with love. The feelings of home, being with those you love and who love you in return. It is a true feeling. Being the light. Being the source. Being love. Being the one thing that can carry people on and ultimately allowing them to feel like it is ok to cross over. And although sometimes they weep when I am lost, they will always long for me again without question. A belief in forever, but you prefer to let it all go. Surrounded, in this world.
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Apr. 22nd, 2014

Leave no room for Appeal!

Leave no room for appeal, yep. That is it.

Apr. 15th, 2014

Too Hot (a new song coming!)

Currently writing a new song called, Too Hot! and it's so hot you're gunna love it! especially if you like Math, hehe. If I could just stay here and work on this song all night until it was completely finished I probably would. I am going to be singing on this track, something no one has yet heard from me ;) This track will probably be finished before the other track I was working on, Holy Ghost. Holy Ghost is a track that I want to incorporate some live instruments to which will require more than just a home studio setup. I want live drums, live guitars, etc. Anyway, next for the track Too Hot will come more lyric writing followed by actually recording it. Don't know when it will be finished but of course I will share with the world once it is done to a satisfactory point! In other words, in due time.

Once Too Hot is completed, there is already another song lined up. Just need to find those perfect moments in time.

Mar. 25th, 2014

PHOSITA

In the end no one will stick around and no one will be with me - cause all patience will be gone and the people, they will have moved on.

Keep fumbling. Fumbling along.

(so get the study guide).

"If you keep everyone in limbo... yeah they all move on."

(It's 1:00 am).

I'll still talk to you, but you may miss out on me too.

So be it.

(get the cheap one first).

If you try and have it all, you'll likely lose it all.

Zero contact. Deconstruction. //dominate the world.

There will always be followers;

The future. The riddle. The pen. The paper = The rules.

0 chance 0 mistakes 0 sleep intolerance manipulate. //I would if it didn't mean having to destroy my Universe.

i am the idea - that of which there is no true possession. //you're not the real you.

Feb. 27th, 2014

u

somewhere in you is a you I really like.
i just wish you were that you all the time.

but maybe you are not with me.

Feb. 16th, 2014

stage

Here are some bits of what may be new lyrics for a new song:

there is no me that any one wants. they want what they can get from me. they want what they can take from me. they want what they can use again and again. to satisfy desires - the things they lust for. there is no me that any one wants. least not for substance - only for purposes of their own. so what of me then? will you ever know me? so what of me if you don't get me? so what of the soul when it is ignored like shadows with nothing there to see? then why bother with any thing?

stop following me stop wanting me stop chasing me stop mixing the real with the fake, the love with the hate. from plus to minus, but the second time around will not come around, to be not here, to be not there, to be not anywhere there is not truth, there is not purity, there is not innocence, there is not care, there is not a universe out there without me in it somewhere. so be not in it, if you are not in it for me.

so be not in it, if you are not in it for me.
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